But, what am I going to do? Let down you, my loyal audience? All four of you are dying, I know, to hear about my adventures so far. Luckily for you, I’m awake enough — and stupid enough — to have both the energy and the adventures for this post.

An interesting start

I decided to forgo driving myself to the airport Saturday, and instead hired Washington Flyer to drive me there. My driver, who’s name I failed to get, was Malaysian, and told me that he had just come from a family party to take me to the airport. He was friendly and in good spirits, so I asked him what the party was for. “My brother in law died,” he answered.

Not sure if that was indeed an even worth celebrating, I asked the driver where he was from and other such niceties. That turned into a 45-minute monolog about his arranged marriage, including the four women he turned voted off the island because they weren’t pretty enough. His parents, nearly exasperated, demanded he find a bride before returning to the United States. Apparently he succeeded, because he now has two boys. He said he won’t be picking out their brides for them, but he added that they’d better only marry once. “No divorces!” he shouted, as we pulled up to the United terminal.

Snorers everywhere

The flight from Dulles to L.A. was uneventful, which I think is always a plus when defying the laws of gravity. That’s not to say the 18-hour flight from L.A. to Bangkok was full of surprises. Indeed, it, too, was mostly uneventful. I was, however, startled several times by the gentleman a few seats over with a severe case of sleep apnea and what appeared to be pneumonia. Given his condition, and the copious snoring he emitted, I was surprised to see he was chewing gum — I would think that would be choking concern. Actually, my observation’s not quite correct. The gum was resting precariously on his lower lip, as if trying to decide whether or not to leap for freedom. I did not notice whether or not the gum’s escape was successful.

Real estate deal

The third leg of the trip, from Bangkok to Jakarta, was a 3-hour joy ride compared to the 22 hours I had thus far spent in a giant aluminum tube. I played some Orbital, read some New Yorker, and flipped through the in-flight magazine. It was there I noticed an ad for spacious beach-front property. It looked amazing. And priced at 3 million baht, it had better be, I thought. Then I grabbed my iPhone and did the exchange rate. What? $120,000 for a beach? Holy crap! Honey, sell the house. We’re moving to Thailand.

Traveling with stupid

I’m not used to carrying around a lot of cash. That’s for two reasons. First, I don’t have any. Second, I too often rely on my cards for purchases. It’s a habit I need to break. Especially after today.

Upon arriving in Jakarta, we were steered to the on-arrival visa station. For starters, I didn’t even realize that’s what it was. I thought it was a money-changing station. OK, I thought. I’ll get some rupiah. So, I stand in line. Eventually, I realize I need to pay $10 for an Indonesian visa. No problem, I thought. Then I looked in my wallet.

What kind of moron travels 12,000 miles — to the other side of the planet!! — with $4 in cash? I mean, really? Could I be more of a dumb ass?

Hey, no worries, I think. The luggage carts around here all have MasterCard ads on them. I can just use my card.

So, I go to the  window and show my card. The man shakes his head. “Oh shit,” I thought. Either I need to hit up a fellow passenger for $6, or I’m about to get my ass shipped back stateside. Just as my stomach was about to hit the floor, the man pointed across the hallway. “Over there. Credit card.” I glanced over and saw an identical booth, but that one accepts plastic. Thank God.

Signage

As I waited to clear immigration — and waited, and waited — I began to find incredible amusement in the advertisements adorning the area. The first one that caught my attention was a sign offering billboard advertising space. The image was of an idyllic beach. The text? “We’ve got space.”

I really, really hope the intention was not to erect billboards on the Indonesian beaches.

The next sign I guffawed at was the one declaring “Welcome to Indonesia. DEATH PENALTY FOR DRUG TRAFFICKERS!” In English, of course.

Oh, Indonesia, really know how to make a guest feel comfortable. Actually, the really funny part of the sign were the six guys pictured who had apparently been caught trafficking drugs and put to death. Ok, that’s not funny, but what is funny is that the sign blacked out their eyes.

There was one more sign that cracked me up. Well, not a sign, exactly, but a sticked. On the window of one of the airport security office was a large sticker proclaiming “Y2K Ready!” Yes, and just in time, too.

Traveling with stupid, part II

I was met outside customs by a nice fellow from the hotel. He escorted me to a taxi — a shiny black Mercedes — and off we went. I had taken off my long-sleeve shirt and was sitting there in my white t-shirt as we skimmed the surface roads along ramshackle huts of corrugated metal, wide canals, and your usual assortment of safe and unsafe vehicles. I felt incredibly Western and not in an especially appealing way.

I set my iPhone next to me and thought, “don’t forget it in the taxi.” (This is what’s known as foreshadowing.)

We scurried along the highway and into the city. From a high overpass, I got a view of the incredible, sprawling metropolis that is Jakarta. The air was hazy and the land was a mix of trash heaps, fragile huts and buildings in various stages of construction or decay.

Eventually we made it to the hotel where guards checked the vehicle and raised the entry gate. Oh, right, I thought. Danger lurks here, doesn’t it?

Then I hopped out, handed the driver some rupiah (I had stopped at an ATM at the airport after clearing customs), and marched into the hotel.

After checking in, I made my way to my room only to discover my keys hadn’t been properly programmed. So, I trudged back downstairs to have the problem fixed. As I stood there, my drive came rushing through the lobby. He had discovered my iPhone in the back seat and had brought it back to me. I was stunned. Not only by my stupidity, but by his kindness. I thanked him profusely and he quickly withdrew back to the hot, humid air.

More tomorrow.

I should clarify… my dream wasn’t of the unicorns and rainbows and angels sort. I didn’t dream about the joy of owning an Apple tablet. Rather, my brain seemed to be trying to figure out what Apple would do with a tablet. It’s my belief that Apple under Steve Jobs generally tries to solve computing/media problems through elegant design, instead of just coming up with cool (and sometimes lame) products. For example, Apple’s routers are all about making them super easy to set up. Sure, other routers work just fine (often with more features and a lower price), but Apple’s routers are pretty and easy to use. Same with Apple TV. Same with the iPhone, iTunes, iPhoto and more. (The Apple speakers are a glaring exception.)

In fact, Apple often doesn’t create the best products in their class, when comparing features and price. But, they create the best experience and they solve problems by making it easy to do what you want. And in that regard, their products are the best.

So, back to the purported tablet. The first question that one must ask is, what’s the point of a tablet? What can I not do now on my iPhone or MacBook or iMac that a tablet would solve?

Honestly, I can’t think of much. For the most part, I like how quickly the iPhone responds and it is sized appropriately for what are essentially personal functions — phone calls, listening to music, watching short pieces of video, playing casual games. But, I can’t multitask. And, the iPhone is a terrible text input device. The MacBook takes longer and is a bit less convenient for simple tasks, but I can work on my MacBook in ways that the iPhone is simply incapable of (writing long bits of text; editing audio/video, etc.). A bigger/faster iPhone could close that gap, I suppose. Perhaps that is what the tablet would be.

At 10 inches, a tablet could still serve as a personal device, but one that creates a bigger social barrier than the iPhone does. Watching videos on that screen might be nice, but it’s also far more antisocial than the iPhone. What, my wife and daughter and I are all going to watch different movies on our tablets on the couch? I don’t think so.

Playing games is somewhere in between. Sure, I like to play games on my iPhone, but I prefer playing games with other people.

Reading, though, is still a personal endeavor. So is working on a document. And both could benefit from the larger screen. So, a tablet could be useful for reading text, especially if it was as fast to respond as my iPhone is. I could totally pull a tablet out of my bag for reading the latest New Yorker while waiting at the dentist’s office. Is that enough? Perhaps only when you consider the larger ecosystem.

If Apple incorporates .me, iWork and iLife, and takes full advantage of the media ecosystem Apple has built, it could work. Furthermore, if that ecosystem were to be expanded to include more text, be that novels, graphic novels, comic books, textbooks, repair manuals, cookbooks and more, and could allow access to one’s content from anywhere (think the recent LaLa acquisition plus “Back to my Mac.”) I think that’s one of the possible killer features. Whereas the Kindle is really just about text (with some lousy graphics) from Amazon, Apple’s tablet could serve up any text-and-graphic-based material from any source. For example, I could see having complete access to one’s iPhoto library and then using the tablet to create slideshows on the fly. Or access to my home media library.

To accomplish this, the table would require:

• an incredible high-resolution display for video and text
• mobile internet connectivity
• a simple interface
• a long battery life
• unparalleled thinness and lightness
• a modicum of Flash-based storage

Several things it would not require:

• a removable battery (Apple has already shunned this concept)
• an input device
• optical media
• ports, other than mini-USB

The mini-USB port would take care of charging the device. Everything else would be wireless. Heck, even the charging could be wireless, if they employed conductive recharging technologies.

The interface is the most interesting aspect of such a device. Apple’s not likely to include a keyboard or any other input device. But what if they did something totally radical? What if they used eye tracking? This is already in wide use as an observation tool for studying usability. Could it be used here, too? Just wild speculation, but it could be pretty cool.

But, here’s the thing: my iPhone and laptop are both capable of doing those things now. And that gets me back to the core issue: what would the Apple tablet solve for me? I don’t know, but I’m excited to see what Apple can imagine that I can’t.

Here goes:

1. Sign up for a Blogger blog and a Dropbox account. (Here’s a link for the latter.)
2. Copy your multimedia files (.mp3, .swf, etc.) to the Dropbox public folder.
3. Go to the Dropbox Web interface and click into your Public folder.
4. Use the arrow to get the public URL for the file in question.
5. If you’re trying to embed audio, copy this text into your Blogger entry:
   <embed src= “http://www.odeo.com/flash/audio_player_standard_gray.swf” quality=”high” width=”300″ height=”52″ allowScriptAccess=”always” wmode=”transparent” type=”application/x-shockwave-flash” flashvars= “valid_sample_rate=true&external_url=[MP3 URL HERE]” pluginspage=”http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer”> </embed>
6. Replace [MP3 URL HERE] with the URL  you copied from Dropbox.
7. Publish.
8. For SWFs, do the same as above, but use this embed code:
   <embed src=”[SWF URL HERE]” quality=”high” allowscriptaccess=”always” type=”application/x-shockwave-flash” pluginspage=”http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer” align=”middle” height=”[###]” width=”[###]“></embed>
9. In this instance, replace [SWF URL HERE] with the Dropbox public URL and [###] with the appropriate SWF sizes.
10. Publish.

That’s it.

But, I’d heard great things about the movie and decided I should see it. So, we went last night and I’ve not stopped thinking about it since. In fact, here are 10 things I think I think about the film:

1. Artistry: Let me say it up front, this is a beautiful movie. I mean that literally: it’s actually beautiful. That’s different from “good.” I don’t know that the film is all that good. I found the story rather predictable and character development utterly lacking (more on this later), but as a piece of visual art, it’s quite stunning. The colors, the richness, the use of 3D – it all comes together to form scene after scene of beauty. I also loved the thought that went into the various forms of technology. From the military aircraft to the computers, it had a Minority Report-like confidence in future technology different from what we do today. And this art appears in virtually every scene throughout the film. Quite spectacular. Even the fake Navi language is quite beautiful. But, beauty should still be believable, and I had a big problem with some of the science, including…
2. Tidal forces: Pandora, the celestial object where the movie takes place, appears to be a moon of a much larger planet. Sort of as if Earth orbited Jupiter. From all appearances, Pandora is close enough to the much larger planet that there should be extreme gravitational effects on Pandora. I mean, Pandora should be experiencing the sort of tidal forces that make Titan and Europa such interesting moons in our solar system. Yeah, geeky, I know. But still, it seemed such an obvious problem to me. Another obvious problem was the…
3. Stereotyping: I couldn’t help but find the oversimplification and stereotyping of characters obnoxiously annoying. From the military commander who is a blood-thirsty cowboy to the chain-smoking anti-social scientist who hates her own kind, to the naturalistic Navi. The Navi seemed to be modeled on American Indian/African people, from the hair, lips and noses, to the clothing, mysticism and clan-like tribes. This bothers me because it seemed so simplistic. It’s as if indigenous people are always the mystical and technologically simple (and fairly helpless) people, while the white Americans (with a modicum of minorities thrown in) are cruel, technologically and militarily superior, and careless. Meanwhile, the Navi were unable to do anything until the hero, who is actually a good-guy white American, saves them. That all leads to…
4. Lack of character development: This might be the biggest problem I have with Avatar. There was virtually no character development throughout this entire film. Now, one might argue that Jake Sully developed from a jarhead to a Navi, or that other Navi developed into a force that could fight back, but that’s being awfully generous. The truth is, none of the secondary characters developed at all, and that Jake was a complete blank slate at the beginning of the film. He didn’t move from one place to another, he just showed up. For example, he seems to have no problem suddenly turning on his fellow Marines and killing them. (I have a feeling this will be something that many people will have a problem with.) I would expect this to be a torturous issue for him. There’s also almost no character development for the main Navi characters. How they were at the end of the film wasn’t too different from how they were at the beginning of the film. Speaking of the Navi, I found them…
5. Insufficiently alien: Why did the Navi have to look so human? Not only the Navi, but all the other alien creatures look like monstrous versions of present or past Earth life. For a film that was so fantastical and animated, it seems to me Cameron missed a wonderful creative opportunity to imagine completely new forms of life. And not just imagining new forms of life, but new ways of making life, which leads me to…
6. Sex: Let’s face it, the main Navi girl is smoking hot. She’s got perky little breasts, a tight flat tummy, a small hard butt and skimpy clothes. You knew at some point she and Jake (who’s quite a catch himself, in both human and Navi form) were going to get it one, and they did. But what’s with the human form of copulation? Kissing? Woman on top? I was really hoping to see some funky alien lovemaking going on. Maybe their pony tails would link up, at least. Once again, this could have been an opportunity for more creativity, though perhaps with everything else, Cameron’s creative juices were exhausted. At least he didn’t use Navi sex as a cheap opportunity to employ more…
7. 3D: This is the first non-IMAX 3D movie I’ve seen and, well, wow. I thought 3D was just a gimmick, but I’m converted now. Avatar didn’t do anything flagrant with 3D, which I thought was appropriate. One of the trailers, though, was for Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland and that looked amazing. I’ve often found Tim Burton’s films to be beautiful in their artistry and terrible in their execution, and the same might be true for Alice. But, I’ll say this: based on the trailer, it looks like Burton uses 3D the way a cinematographer uses light and shadows. As for Avatar, the 3D added to the film in a very pleasant way. One funny moment for me, though, was that at one point I thought the person sitting in front of me had gotten up. I was about to ask him to sit down when I realized it was a character in the film. Freaky. Oddly, despite the incredible detail to the artistry of the scenes and the 3D, there were more than a few…
8. Odd oversights: Given how much time and money went in to making this film, I was surprised by what appeared to be numerous technical flaws in the film. On more than a few occasions, I was surprised by incredibly awkward camera movements (jerky zooms, etc.) that looked like mistakes. There was a time when the humans were in an open helicopter without masks. And when, at the end, Jake and his Navi babe are together, she was suddenly, and obviously, a human in makeup. The size difference evaporated and it just seemed weird. It shook me out of the moment. This reminds me of Alien when the monster at the end of the film was obviously a guy in a rubber suit. It just felt wrong. Another thing that felt wrong was the…
9. Lack of science: For a science fiction film, this movie was almost completely devoid of science. Why???? What’s so wrong with science. I already discussed my problem with the tidal forces, but what about the science of the avatars themselves? Or the floating mountains? It just seems like there were opportunities to explore more of the science of the moment, much like the latest Star Trek movie did so well. Science wasn’t the only thing lacking in Avatar. Another was a…
10. Lack of subtlety: I’m guessing that just as fuck and shit are bad words in most houses, subtle is a bad word in Cameron’s (and shit and fuck are not). There is nothing in Avatar that even remotely qualifies as subtle. The message of environmentalism, the disdain for militarism, the love story — it’s all so in your face. I probably mostly agree with the message of the movie, but it’s so flagrant, so over the top, that I can’t help but feel a bit repelled by it. It’s kind of like…
11. Cameron’s taste in music: So, this is a bonus entry because it’s not what I think I think, but rather what I know: James Cameron has terrible taste in music, at least as far as film scores go. During the credits was another Celine Dion-like screamer who made me flee from the theater. Who calls this shit music? It’s awful.

I’m sure there’s plenty more to say about Avatar, and given a few more minutes I’ll probably think of them. Maybe you will, too. Please pick apart my arguments, point out things I’ve missed, or add to what I’ve put here. I’d love to hear some different opinions.

Today we go home, but not before I try  and fail  to gain redemption in tennis against my brother. One day…

To add insult to injury, I mistook my mom’s salt container for a sugar container; I realized the mistake when I shoved a spoonful of “salted” cheerios into my mouth. The only thing worse would have been if the milk was sour. She’ll be getting a labelmaker for Christmas…

Throughout the trip we managed to avoid traffic jams, sitting on the highway, construction, accidents, and nearly every other kind of delay. Today we made up for that luck. What should have been a 6-hour drive ended up taking more than 8 hours. Not bad, really, but it’s doubly hard when it delays the final stop: home.

The long lines came at the toll plazas; at construction areas; where traffic was simply heavy; and at one point where there was an accident on the other side of the median. That’s the worst  when traffic slows to a snarl because of rubbernecking. And the accident wasn’t even that dramatic. Just a fender bender.

Aside from that, few things were remarkable today. At lunch, a woman who must have been suffering from emphysema was coughing up her left lung as I tried to eat my turkey sandwich. On the one hand, I felt really bad for her; on the other, it was pretty gross.

Speaking of lunch, Cynthia once again proved that the waitress always asks if everything is OK just when you’ve taken a bite of food. It’s true! Another note: about half of the dining booths had phones. I don’t know why. And in the parking lot was a woman who looked exactly like a Far Side character. I am not kidding.

Since traffic was so slow, I spent a little more time looking at other vehicles. Several semis had satellite dishes mounted to them, which I thought was pretty enterprising. One semi had a bunch of windows in the living space behind the driver, and we could see a couple of kids and a woman knitting. The family that long-hauls together, stays together…

Speaking of which, another semi I saw declared itself to be a Church on Wheels, not for hire. I really wanted to know what that meant. Did he pull into towns and hold revivals? Does he do anything to earn money, or is this just his thing? But, he was headed in the opposite direction and I never found out any more.

Another family was riding in a giant Dodge Ram duelly  you know, the trucks with the double-wide tires in the back that makes it look like it has big hips. Anyway, the entire family looked to be shaped like the truck, which stood about 4 feet off the ground, and the dad driving it sped around the turnpike like Mario Andretti. I thought for sure he was going to cause an accident. Actually, come to think of it, today was the biggest day for rude drivers. I guess we’re back on the East coast.

Finally, around 8, we pulled up to the house, found our cats alive and well, and started bringing in our stuff. It’s been a long, fun, memorable trip. We’re glad to be home, but I don’t think either of us would mind going for a hike in Yellowstone today.

Josh and Cyn – Total trip miles: 7,124.

(P.S. Interesting moment Monday morning… we’re fast asleep when we’re awoken at about 6 a.m. by the sound of our front door opening. “What is it?” “Is someone breaking in??” We hurry downstairs only to find the house empty of other people. Glancing outside, we see one of our catsitters (all of whom we greatly appreciate!) shyly heading back down the path, hoping she didn’t wake us up. I guess I should have told her we were home!)

Mark and I were to continue our tennis marathon this morning, but he overslept and it didn’t happen. Instead, we lounged around until the whole family went horseback riding at a local place that offers trail rides. Unfortunately, the trail rides were severly limited and the hour it was supposed to last really only stretched about 20 minutes. I’m still not sure how they counted the minutes.

One thing I missed out on was the sight of me on the smallest, shortest horse in the barn. For some reason, I was given what by all appearances was a pony, while my nephews, two feet shorter than I, were riding high on tall horses. Soursa, my “horse,” looked like it had six legs  four of its own plus the two of mine. So it goes…

My mom trailered her horse and another for my dad to the location and on the way back, suffered a flat tire. That meant unloading the horses by the side of the road, jacking up the trailer, changing the flat, reloading the horses, and finally, getting back to the barn. In all, it delayed them by at least 2 hours.

In the afternoon, I found time to catch up on sleep and then proceeded to hand Mark a 6-1, 6-1 tennis victory. Even though it looks like it wasn’t even close, nearly every game was won by a single point, and in many cases, I lost game points. I am, no doubt, a choker. I get one more chance for redemption in the morning.

After a celebratory dinner for mom’s birthday tonight, we tried to get a pay-per-view movie (Ocean’s 11) only to fail to get the 9 p.m., 9:30 p.m. and 10 p.m. films. Why? We have no idea. Evidentially, Heather H., who was the kind soul helping us at the cable company, couldn’t figure it out, so we ended up watching the last half of Octopussy, one of Great Britain’s finest moments.

Oh, and at dinner, my nephew Sam informed us that his third leg is named, “Mr. Happy.”

Today it is much cooler and much less humid. In fact, it’s quite comfortable. I got my film photos back today and there are a few I liked. I’m thinking that beofre long, I’ll have to get a good SLR digital camera. But, the one I want is about $4,000 and that’s about 10 times more than I want to spend. Maybe in about 5 years…

After a quite day lounging around, helping with some household stuff, my brother Mark and I staged a tennis rematch. My mom and our wives joined us for some doubles before we went mono-a-mono and I exacted a tiny bit of revenge.

Then we stopped to play wiffleball with the boys. That came to an end once I lined the ball off the pitcher’s leg… that is to say, my nephew.

That reminds me, Truman was cracking us up in Las Vegas. Whenever he spotted a surveillance camera (and he spotted plenty), he’d hold up his hand and flash the “loser” sign. I’m sure security personnel throughout Vegas were looking for that 10-year-old.

Another amusing story I forgot to mention is the use of the walkie-talkies along the trip. Nobody could understand me, claiming I was mumbling. Cynthia was having trouble too, as she held the walkie-talkie to her ear when talking and mouth when listening. I think we were both just dead from all of the miles.

Ok, one more amusing story from Vegas that I forgot to tell. One day I was walking down the hallway and someone put out their room service cart to be taken away. On the top of the cart were three delicious-looking dinner rolls. Then there were two, and it was delicious. Cynthia just found out about it today and says she’s disappointed, but the kids thought it was cool.

Anyway, we’re definitely winding this trip down. Tomorrow is my mom’s 60th birthday and we’ll go horseback riding, probably will play more tennis, and just relax.

This morning we slept in without having to worry about making a tour time, making miles, checking out, or anything else. After some oatmeal and cartoons, my brother and I played some tennis. Even though the temp is some 30 degrees less than it was in Vegas, this air is saturated with water… lots of water. It didn’t take long for me to tire and Mark complained of a heavy feeling in his legs. In the end, he squeaked by 6-2.

As we headed to the car, he handed me the keys and asked me to get him a paper on the way back, as he was going to jog home. I love my brother, but there are times when I want to kneecap him, and that was one of them… but I was too tired. So, I drove back and picked up his paper, and he bought me some Gatorade. By the time I pulled up to his house and glanced at the paper, I heard him call out to me. Argh! I got back at him, though, by blowing my nose on the t-shirt I borrowed from him, then I borrowed a nice Eddie Bauer shirt of his that I might “forget” to give back…

After reading the paper, he and I drove over to some friends of his who weren’t home and used their pool.

Jane made us lunch and then she, Cyn, and I drove up to my parent’s place in Kent. It’s been so long since I’ve driven in this area that I forgot how to get there. I zoomed right past the exit I should have taken and instead found myself near Cleveland’s airport, a good 40 minutes away. After absorbing some abuse from my passengers, I turned around and quickly made up for lost time and ground.

Along the way, we saw several vans that carry the hot air balloons we saw the previous night driving down the highway. I don’t know… could they just fly to where they need to go? Maybe they’re going against the wind… Which reminds me, I saw that Steve Fossett finally completed his nonstop around-the-world balloon flight. Thank God! Not that I cared so much about his flight, but I was just sick of hearing about it.

One of my other brothers, Steve, was staying with my parents for the holiday and it was good to see him, as it’s been years since we last saw each other. My mom made a number of delicious dishes and had some friends over… it was good to eat a home-cooked meal for a change… the first in nearly three weeks. Even though I wasn’t really hungry, I couldn’t resist the food and found myself eating on a full stomach.

Then I took advantage of some high-speed Internet and got caught up on the news. As I headed off to bed, I heard fireworks going off and remembered that it is the Fourth of July, which explains why it’s so frickin’ hot. I feel like a dumpling sitting here with several fans pushing around hot, humid, heavy air. I don’t know if I’ll fall asleep or just black out from the oppressive air, but either way I should be getting some rest.

As for our dog, he was happy to see us after all this time, but he’s a bit confused. Besides being a tad freaked out by the fireworks, he’s not sure where to go. He keeps coming into our room and looking around, then he follows my mom to her room where he’s been sleeping for the last three weeks, then trotting downstairs to where Cynthia is watching TV, then back to my room to restart the cycle. Hopefully when Cynthia finally decides it’s bedtime, he’ll settle.

Finally I fell asleep only to be awoken moments later when a gnat flew in my mouth. As I coughed it out, another flew in my eye.

This morning we awoke knowing it would be our last big road day. We’re to drive from Rolla, Oklahoma through St. Louis, Indianapolis, and Columbus, OH.

With the morning sun we noticed that the EconoLodge wasn’t quite as fine as we had previously thought. The first sign was the mouse droppings on the sheets. Sign two was the overly flexible bathtub… I thought I might drop right through the floor. Sign three was the dried doughnuts and thick coffee. So it goes.

We headed out and made it to St. Louis in good time. We hoped to visit another Roadfood spot, but we weren’t able to find the street it’s one very easily, so we just pulled over at a Bob Evans.

The arch in St. Louis is pretty and it’s neat to see another icon of America. I didn’t get to go up it, but according to my brother, it’s something to miss. I’ll take his word for it.

Having crossed the Mississippi, the speed limit is back down to 65 at the most, and having gotten used to 80+ mph, dropping to the 60s feels very slow indeed.

The midwest is definitely the land of symbols. Everywhere you look are flags, “United We Stand” slogans and “Let’s Roll” banners. I don’t see nearly this much stuff back in D.C., where one of the attacks actually happened, and where people are still feeling threatened.

Illinois is also giving Texas a run for its money in terms of the world’s largest cross. It stands about 300 feet tall or so. How many of these things are there? And who makes them? There must be some company out there in the giant cross business. I would think it would be a small market, but apparently not.

We spotted a car from Hawaii today (had Hawaii plates). That accounts for all 50 states. It does bring up the question of how they drove across the Pacific, though. And should there be an Interstate in Hawaii?

While at a rest stop in Indiana, we came across the most bizarre thing yet. It was an all-in-one hand washing station. Often I favor the advance of technology, but it has to be an improvement. This definitely was not. It was a hole in the wall with a soap dispenser, faucet, and hand dryer lined up at the top of the wall with the hand dryer closest to the front. Using infrared sensors, the system detects when hands have been inserted into the hole, dispenses soap, runs water, and then dries your hands.

One of the two systems in the men’s room was broken. The other was so slow… and requires the whole sequence to run before restarting, that a line in the men’s room developed. Guys who had just finished emptying their bladders were standing there waiting for this ridiculous contraption to complete each cycle. Just what was wrong with a normal sink?

I slept past Indianapolis. I don’t think I’m the only one to do that. In fact, I think plenty of people living there are doing the same thing.

As we motored into Columbus, I realized that we failed to do a standard travel activity: making semi-trucks blow their air horns. So Cynthia, my niece Jane, and I got right to work. We managed to get 16 out of 20 truckers to blow their horns, and one out of one Buick, driven by my brother.

I found out today that my beloved Cleveland Indians traded their best pitcher, and possibly one of the best pictures in the American League, Bartolo Colon the other day. For roughly 50 years.. from 1949 to 1994, the Indians were the laughingstock of baseball. Then they got great and nearly won the World Series. But now it looks like a return to past and that sucks. Oh well, baseball is going down the tubes anyway thanks to spoiled millionaires… that is, the owners and the players alike. Bah.

Upon arriving in Columbus, we watched a number of hot air balloons float above the city in preparation for the July 3rd fireworks there. Roughly halg a million people gather along the Olenatangy River to watch the show a day early so that neighborhoods can have their own local shows on the Fourth. Once we got to my brother’s house, we picked up some Thai take out, watched the first half of the Harry Potter movie, caught a few fireworks being shot off in the city, and then hit the sack.

Today we fled New Mexico and sped through the Texas panhandle and Oklahoma, stopping for the night in Missouri, a couple hours short of St. Louis.

We’ve mostly driving along I-40 which allows us to bypass the wildfires near I-70, but it also means we have to cut back north if for no other reason than I-40 is stopped at the Mississippi thanks to the barge that knocked out a bridge there. Besides, our destination is north of here, so that’s a good reason too.

Driving along I-40 means that we were frequently coming into contact with the history Route 66, the first highway to the West. Running from Chicago to Los Angeles (I think), Route 66 boasts many diners and motels, and various tourist traps to lure drivers into pulling over for a rest and a laugh.

In north Texas we streaked past the Cadillac Ranch where a series of Cadillacs are partly buried on end so that they appear to be growing from the ground. Shortly past that is the World’s Largest Cross (in the West). And indeed it is a big cross, surrounded by many other smaller crosses. It crossed my mind that the proprieters of the cross might become cross if someone were to write their name on the cross with a Cross pen. Perhaps that’s an issue that could be debated on Crossfire or become a plot point on Crossing Jordan.

Hours later we stopped in Elk City, OK, at another Roadfood eatery: Billie’s. Billy is the owner and cook. His specialty: onion burgers. Although I detest onions with every fiber of my being, I ordered a King Size burger along with fries and shake. After scraping off most of the onions, I quite enjoyed the burger, along with the enormous shake and the fries. Billy, meanwhile, let the phone ring while he made our order and the orders of people who came in after us and pulled up to Billy’s drive-through.

Once things cooled off a bit, we had Billy sign our book and asked him about his business. He said that for 42 years he ran a dry cleaner across the parking lot, but then OSHA cracked down on him, so he started up the burger joint instead. I don’t know what he did to get OSHA on his case, but with double-size shakes and meaty fries, he gets my support.

While we ate, I looked through the Elk City Eagle, the local paper in town. For 50 cents you get 8 pages filled with one or two locally reported stories, plenty of AP news, Family Circus, Marmaduke, the Bible Quote of the day, a page of around-the-town photos, and classified notices, such as “Guinea Pigs, $30 each.”

Once we finished our meals, we bade farewell to Billy and continued east through Oklahoma. The scenery in Oklahoma isn’t anything to sneeze at, but, in all honesty, it just isn’t as interesting as high snow-capped mountains, rippling rocky canyons, or lengthy vistas of natural beauty. No, it’s mostly rolling hills of small trees and bushes dotted with billboards, fast food restaurants, plain houses, and warehouse-style shopping depots.

So, to pass the time we’re playing games, listening to audio books and music, and trying to find amusement in the billboards. For example, at an Oklahoma toll station, the sign warned of a $103 fine. Who comes up with numbers like these? Was this debated in the state legislature? “I propose a fine of $100!” “One hundred dollars, that’s not nearly enough. I demand $103!” “Here here!”

Another good sign announced free 72-ounce steaks. What’s that? A free 72-ounce steak? Absolutely! You just have to eat the whole thing within some time limit and if you don’t finish it, you have to pay for it. By the way, how big is a 72-ounce steak? That’s four and half pounds, baby!

My nephew Truman is again with us today and he’s spent much of the drive planning our evening accommodations. By plotting out our course and our hourly progress, he has figured out where we will be likely to be when we’re ready to stop driving. Then we crosschecks that with a AAA book listing hotels and motels. By reading up on the options and looking at alternative locations he picks out a clean, inexpensive place to bed down for the night and have a free continental breakfast when we awake. He definitely has a future as a travel agent, or a NASA engineer.

I’m particularly enjoying the drive back as we reenter the land of humidity and low altitude, meaning I can breathe again. I had thought the dry air of the West would help me to breathe easy, but that proved to be wrong. How good it is to be able to breathe. Ahhh…

Tonight, as we drove through Missouri, we noticed that the gas gauge was getting a little low. Our goal was to get to Rolla, MO, and when we were about 120 miles away, we had less than 1/4 of a tank. Near midnight, when we got about 80 miles away, the light came on. When we approached the 60-mile barrier, Cyn encouraged me to get gas. Twenty miles later, we pulled into a gas station that was closed. When we were just 25 miles away, I assured Cyn that I was pretty sure we could make it to Rolla. We turned the A/C off. We hoped and prayed. Then a glowing neon sign beckoned us to pull over and gas up. Reluctantly, I did so, and Cynthia sighed a huge sigh of relief. Our tank holds 15 or so gallons and the pump pushed in 14.2 gallons. We had about 20 miles left to Rolla. It would have been close, but now we’ll never know.